About Me:

I am a professional Pet Groomer. I have been grooming for 28 years. This Blog is a kind of diary of my work. I wish I had started years ago, writing some of the experiences I have had while grooming. Most days are fun, some can be sad, some can be just down right crazy. If you are a pet owner and come across this blog, I hope it helps you understand how your pet is groomed. If you are a Pet Groomer, I hope you can relate to some of the stories. Maybe even learn a grooming tip or can leave a friendly grooming tip for me. There is always something to learn, no matter how long you have been grooming.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

This Post is Rated X


Sexual Content
Discussion of male body parts....dog male body parts that is....sorry.

If you are offended by such things, or are easily grossed out...



This rant could get gross and offensive.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Anyone still there?

Of course you are.

You want to know what the heck I am going to rant about now.

Well, here it goes...

Male dogs that have NOT been neutered!!

Yes! This bothers me.
A lot.
Only it may not be for the obvious reason.

Of course, I would like to see all my customers male dogs neutered to help control unnecessary breeding, but I am not here to climb on top of that soapbox.

My rant is purely from a groomers stand point.
I bet that there are a lot of groomers out there that have the same rant.

Grooming un-neutered male dogs can be disgusting.

First there is the smell.
Sometimes you can smell them as soon as they enter your lobby.
There is nothing like the smell of an un-neutered male dogs urine when they have peed all over their own hair.
Smelly, sticky, yellow, yucky hair.

Don't even get me started on the owners that want me to keep hair on the end of the penis so the dogs pee will be directed to the ground.

Where in the world did that myth come from?

You bathe them, once, twice, three times trying to get the smell out.
Forget about getting the yellow stain  all of the way out of the hair.
Your best bet is to talk the owner into letting you shave all, and as much hair as you can from the belly and penis.
I also try to talk the customer into clipping a pathway above the penis, halfway up to the chest, so that no hair is left to hang down in the way of that stinky, yellow stream.

Next, the marking...everywhere and on everything!
Just the other day I had an un-neutered male Schnauzer in that managed to hit about four spots in my lobby before I was able to pick him up and stop him.
The owner certainly wasn't stopping him!
To top that off, when she came to pick up, another customer stopped the Schnauzer owner to talk to her as she was leaving with the dog.
After about five minutes of conversation the owner said; "let me get him out of here before he does something."


I stood there and watched her leave.
Then I turned around to go get the mop.
That Schnauzer had managed to hit every place in my lobby.
The chairs, the table, the counter (in several places), the bookshelf, the middle of the floor, my plants...everywhere!

There are also the un-neutered males that continually pee in their kennel.
Before you bathe them.
After you bathe them.
You clean it up and they pee again, and again, and again.
It is never ending.

Then there is the sniffing.
It is not regular sniffing.
It is horny sniffing.
They sniff at your arms.
They sniff at your smock to smell all of the other dogs you have been holding.
They sniff and slobber all over your table.
You try to lift their head to work on it, but it is like their nose is glued to the table.
Their neck is so stiff from their determination to keep their nose to your table that you feel their neck will snap if you try to lift their head.
You finally get them to lift their head and the slobber and drool hanging off of their beard and mustache, (that you just finished cleaning and drying), is now disgusting.

Also the constant checking and licking. 
Checking to make sure that their penis and scrotum is still there.
Licking to make sure that their penis and scrotum is still there.

Lets not forget dealing with the matted scrotum's.
They almost always have some kind of matting up right in the fold, where the scrotum and belly meet.
You have to try to clip those mats out of the tight fold, on a dog that protects that scrotum as if it were the Hope Diamond.
They twist and turn to see what you are doing.
They try to lick their scrotum as you are trying to clip out the mats.

Lets not even talk about how close you have to get your face to that part of the dogs anatomy to make sure that you don't nick them while they are twisting and turning.
How many times do you beg them to stand still so that you don't neuter them the hard way?

Then there is the ultimate horny.
The un-neutered males that get so worked up and horny that things are exposed.
You have to wait for them to to put that thing back where it belongs. 
Then things are humped.
They try to hump your hand.
They try to hump your arm.
When you back away so that they can't get your arm or hand, they hump the air.
So you stand there waiting for the horny moment to pass.
Then you start to groom again praying that you don't do or touch something that will start the humping again.

I was just wondering...would it be considered animal abuse if I dumped a bucket of cold water on them.

Oh never mind..then I would just have to dry them all over again. :/

Lastly, the worst.

Worse than humping?

Oh ya.


Yes, you read that right.

Remember, I warned you.

Thankfully it doesn't happen often.
As a matter of fact it has only happened a couple of times.
A couple of times too many.

The very first time it happened I had only been grooming for a year.
I had had  a couple of dogs hump before, so I wasn't surprised when the miniature black Poodle that I was grooming started to hump.
He had been showing all of the signs.
The sniffing.
The trying to grab my arm.
Constantly licking himself.

So, when he started to hump, I stopped grooming and waited for him to stop.
98% of the time they will stop if you back away.
This guy didn't stop.
Oh no, he just kept right on going, faster and faster...till he ejaculated all over my table!
I had never seen this before.
I was in shock.
My boss at the time laughed his a** off.
He also blamed me for exciting the dog.
Needless to say, I was not happy.

After cleaning up my table I tried to groom the dog again.
He did it again!
And again!
Three times.
I was beyond upset and disgusted.
I also got no help from my boss at all.

To top it all off, when I told the owner how hard of a time I had grooming his dog and why, he was actually proud of his dog.
I don't know who I wanted to hit more.
The 20 something macho man owner of the Poodle, or my boss who thought that the whole thing was one big fat joke.

That was 27 years ago.
It wasn't until about a year ago when I had another dog do the same thing.
This dog only did it once.
Once is too much.

I don't get paid enough to deal with all of this.
I will continue to try to talk all of my customers into neutering their dogs.

I will also continue to think about refusing to groom un-neutered male dogs.

Okay...I feel better now.

Happy Grooming, MFF


  1. Hahahaha!! This post had me rolling on the floor. I agree that it's so difficult to groom these unneutered males, for more than a few reasons. I always leave hair on the outside of the scrotum because I don't want those ugly dangling things exposed when I finish my groom, and the little dogs have the biggest ones of all!! Karen in NJ

    1. LOL Karen,
      You are so right about those little dogs. I leave hair whenever possible too. It just seems that lately here, more and more of these guys have nice tight mats all around the scrotum. Drive me crazy.
      Oh, I am glad you enjoyed the post. I have been wanting to write it for a while, but was afraid of offending people. This politically correct world also drives me nuts. :)
      Lisa, MFF

  2. I hear ya! Also, there is the greenish yellowish dripping! yuck! There is one dog who will try to lick my arms constantly, I've tried bitter spray on my arms, didn't faze him a bit. Now I have to muzzle him to work on the front half of his body! I've also had 2 ejaculate on my table :( One belongs to a preacher and he is a big guy!

    1. Hi mustlovedogs,
      I FORGOT THAT ONE! The greenish, yellow dripping! Maybe there is a reason I forgot that. lol
      Lisa, MFF

    2. I call it boy juice. And it is DISGUSTING. Give me pee and poop any day of the week, that boy juice is nasty!!!

  3. Agree. With .Every .Word!
    And their pee smells like skunk!

  4. I hate to say it, but thank god it wasn't just me. LOL
    This is one topic that one one talks about apparently.
    I have had many un-neutered males over the years get 'excited' about any physical contact. One did ejaculate uncontrollably, it started when I was brushing his leg, I felt something wet hit my hand and didn't realize right away :(
    He kept ejaculating, humping air through the whole grooming. I called his owners and they said he had never done anything like that before, he was only 7 months old, they weren't sure if he was ready to be neutered yet. Boy was he ready!
    By the end of the grooming he had ejaculated so much that it was turning pink-ish, he was ejaculating some blood because he couldn't stop. The second it looked like he was about to be ready we called her again, she was here within 5 minutes of finishing him. I was trying to explain to her that I didn't touch his genitals when it had began, and that I had touched his leg to brush some tangles out before the bath. Right then I placed my hand on his leg and he started again! He was humping air and ejaculated all over my front counter. His owner was mortified! I recommended a place where he could be neutered for $50 with tax, medicine, and blood work included in the cost. She had him neutered 2 weeks afterwards and he never did it again.
    It was just one of the times that it had gotten out of control, I am almost glad that she saw it happen, because she had no idea what I was talking about.
    Most of the males that come in just try to lick me all over and climb on me when I get close, but that one will stay with me forever.
    My husband picked on me for about a week, it was pretty funny, my reaction.
    I walked into the front looking like I wanted to cry and saying "He did it, he j*zzed on my hand!" My husband and about 2 employees just fell out laughing.
    After about a gallon of hand sanitizer and a shower I felt okay again, but it was just so disgusting!
    >_< I hope it never happens again, but there's bound to be more. I love the kennel bank with the dividers, I remember about 7-8 years ago putting 2 dogs next to one another in medium size wire kennels on floor level, the male urinated on a little female that I had just groomed. :\ It was a hard lesson in how gross unaltered males can be.
    Nearly every one of my customers allows their animals to wander the front of my store and urinate or defacate onto everything, I walk them once they come in, and every 4 hours if they are here too long waiting for their owners. Still, they want to mark everything, and no matter how much you scrub or bleach your floors and walls, they can still smell it and mark it over and over again.
    Some don't even use leashes, we do live in the country, but my store is right along a highway, my front door is less than 10ft from the main road with parking along the side of our building. It scares me to see them allowing their pets to get so close walking off of a leash, I offer to let them borrow one but no one cares. :( It's only a matter of time before some fool lets their pet wander into the highway and blames us... instead of realizing that their poor choices in life have affected their pet. People are terrible at accepting responsibility for anything, most matted pet owners are the best example.

    I can't wait to get back to work, we live in the Southeast Louisiana area (between Baton Rouge and New Orleans) and our store has been closed since last Monday, tomorrow will be our first day back in a week and it seems like it may be a bad week. Everyone is calling to cancel or reschedule. Had one call on Friday demanding that we open Saturday, with or without power. Is all customers think about themselves? I want to get back to work, but I just wish things could calm down a bit. I'm used to being booked for haircuts a week or more in advance, now it seems for the first time in over 5 years I may have to take walk-ins for haircuts if I want to get anything done. So stressful.

    1. Hi Serena,
      I am so glad that you all made it through the storm without too much damage. (I follow your facebook page) It sounds like it may be a couple of bad weeks till everything gets back to normal. Unfortunately, the dogs are the last thing on peoples minds during times like you are going through right now. In about a week or two your phone will most likely be ringing off the hook because everyone finally looks at their dogs and they all want them cleaned at once. :(
      As for owners bring dogs in without leashes...big pet peeve. We are not next to a highway, but cars do speed up and down the road in front of my shop. They also come flying into our parking lot like it is a highway exit. We have had to run outside to help customers catch their unleashed dogs. Really just want to knock some sense into them sometimes. :p
      Hang in there. Things WILL get better. :)
      Lisa, MFF

  5. Hi, Lisa. I stumbled across your blog on a Google search and have to say I think it is FANTASTIC! I have been devouring it since I found it. I am a long time dog trainer (both professional and hobby), currently stuck in another career that pays very well but bores me to tears every day. Dog grooming has become sort of an obsession of mine over the last six months or so. I am doing as much reading as I can before deciding whether to take the plunge and switch careers. I have always loved grooming and will only own coated breeds (Aussie, G. Shep, and Borzoi right now but really fantasizing about a poodle for the next one). Would you say that a poodle is the best breed for someone who really has a thing for playing with dog hair? (I don't want another dog just for the hair, of course. :) 2 of mine are older and there's a space for a small dog in the house.)

    Anyway, you are a super writer. Have you ever thought of putting all this in a book? Books giving the insider view of careers are always popular, and your combination of humor and helpful information makes yours the best grooming writing I've been able to find... and I've read a lot. Please don't stop writing ever!


    1. WOW Christie,
      I feel like I am going to get a big head reading your comment! Thank you very much for the compliments.:)
      You may be asking the wrong person about Poodles. (I have 4 of them) If you want a dog that needs a lot of grooming, Poodles and Bichons are just two small breeds that need constant grooming. Of course I am partial to St. Poodles. Now THERE is a ton of grooming for you and hair to play with. (What's one more large dog? lol)
      Funny that you say something about a book. I have started and planned out at least four grooming books over the years but have never finished one. I never had the confidence that I was good enough to tell someone else how to groom. With my blog, I just write about the way that I groom and people can take it or leave it. :/ An insiders view is something that I have never thought of. Thanks for the idea, I'll have to think about it.
      Once again, thanks for reading my blog, I am glad that you enjoy it.
      Lisa, MFF

  6. My uncle's dog has the same bad habit of humping. He drives my mom's dog AND us crazy with his constant obsession! We may offer to pay for the neutering soon. If he can't get to the dog he just walks and humps the air. Jeez Louise!! I've never seen a more horny dog. Your article was funny and had me with tears in my eyes from picturing the whole thing. And typical male bonding them thinking it was funny. Maybe you should let them offer to do the grooming in the future. Put your experiences on paper. It will enlighten the un-neurtered dog owners as to how difficult your job is. You may want to charge extra for these pets. If you add it up and bring it to the owner's attention they think it's cheaper in the long run to get them fixed.

  7. Please help me with this situation ..its kind of related. I had a male dog come for a groom and it had explosive diahrrea that he then wacked everywhere with his tail...it was on the walls, ceiling, tools....I called the owner and said the dog was sick and would have to go jome without a groom..then spent 1hr cleaning and bleaching everywhere.. i did not get any money for my time..so when the owner reschedule by txt and said they were sorry for all the trouble, I wrote a txt back saying not to worry and they can always leave a tip next time for the trouble. The person then said they wanted to cancel the appointment as they were worried that it would happen again and I would have to go through the trouble I said i did...I dont know about you but cleaning lots of poo and bleaching for over an hour is trouble to me and dont think i should have to do it for free...if you were sick in a taxi they would charge you for cleaning...i didnt ask for a specific amount..i said tipping was an option..
    What is your opinion?